A Look Back

I'm MelNel and welcome to my blog! I was laying in bed thinking about life and things I've been through or going through and wanted to share my journey with whom ever would listen. I wanted something I could share with my children and others to maybe inspire them to overcome hurdles. I've faced a lot of disappointments, some bad things have happened to me, but also so wonderful things too.  By sharing this I hope to heal myself and maybe help someone else along the way. So let me start off with a look down my past.

When they brought me home-1 month old

I was adopted at the early age of one month old. My birth mother was young and my birth father was too but also unaware that I existed, so I was placed for adoption. It was the best decision for me and I am so thankful to her for that. I went to a lovely family that continues to support me and accept me as their own. But anyhow  my mom and dad didn't hide the fact that I was adopted and told me at an early age. I didn't understand at first. In my mind it was like I was picked up at at store like a doll and could also be returned if need be. So needless to say I was always on my best behavior. I always did good in school and my activities. I never got a whooping and this was before all  the child abuse laws and things. Back then you could get whooped in public and no one would call the cops on you because you tapped your kid. Heck I knew kids that where getting beat with extension cords and cable wires and not once did their parents go to jail. But I digress. Honestly I can say I was raised by a village. Many aunts, uncles, cousins and three living grandparents. I truly felt like I belonged. I was blessed even when I didn't recognize it. 

I have the most amazing father. I know, everyone says that but if you were to meet him says this and you'd be jealous he isn't yours. He was always so involved in everything I did. He read to me every single night, even if it was the same one that I now know he had to have memorized and been as tired of it as I've grown now. He was always involved in everything I did. He helped out at every school function, helped build sets for every play, took me to dance class like three days a week, and found time to play and sing and dance with me. All while working full time at alternative schools. He is awesome!

Let me not forget my mommy. She was amazing as well. She worked full time, cooked and cleaned every single day, and even made my friends pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausage and biscuits every time they spent the night. Not sure where she found the energy because I'm exhausted just thinking about it. I appreciate all she's done and sacrificed now that I'm a mother and know exactly how hard it is. Part of being a mom is forgetting about yourself and placing your family first. She is always there when I need her and she always tell me the truth even when I don't want to hear it. I love her for that-even when it upsets me. 

So seems like a wonderful childhood, right? Well sometimes things happen. I was about five or six and playing hide and seek with a friend. She hid in her house and I went looking for her. I went in the basement because I heard movement and I thought her laughing but it wasn't her. Her uncle was there and offered me candy. He wasn't a stranger so no danger, right? Well I was wrong and he had me sit on his lap and touched me. I was completely confused and knew this was wrong but it happened. I was lucky nothing more happened to me and I ran. He told me he would kill me and my (wonderful) family if I told anyone. So I said nothing. I went home and rushed in the bathroom. I bled a little bit and mom came in and asked what happened. So I lied and told her a fell on my bike and hit my "pocketbook." Well that's what we used to call it. I had never lied and felt awful but I didn't want anyone to die. I convinced myself that it was just a nightmare. A nightmare I had every night. A nightmare that after night after night faded until it was just that. But something happens to a little girl, a child, that becomes aware of sex and the body. It changes you. I didn't act out with my parents but there are a few boys from back then that got hit with sticks, belts, and even a 2x4 for relatively no reason. And for this I am truly sorry.  I also played house a lot too. There became two sides to me. The sweet and bright little girl and the rough and tough chick. The man ended up going to jail for molesting my friend and we ended up moving from that neighborhood. 

The Dreaded Sixth Grade Look

When we moved I was going into the sixth grade and upset at losing my friends. I had no brothers or sisters and my friends where that for me. I knew some of them for my whole life. I got to see some of them but it wasn't the same. I was happy I got to join a cheerleading team with them and meet some other friends as well. The school I went to was out of district for our new home so my wonderful dad took me in the morning and I rode the bus to my grandparents house. I realize I haven't mentioned them much but they had a huge help in making me the women I am today. My grandfather spoiled me like it was no bodies business and my grandmother didn't hold back either. I spent most of my summers their while my parents worked and most of my time after school there as well. My grandfather made sure I got to cheeleading practice everyday and made sure I always had money. He helped me buy a bike by buying candy for me to sell on the bus. He thought me a lot. 

Sixth grade sucked. I was bullied by a girl who had the same first name as me and my so called friends followed suit. Granted I was nerdy and had got 2 pair of the ugliest glasses and wasn't up to date on hair styles but I did not deserve to be treated that way. I had known most of my classmates since first grade and majority of them became her friends and dogged me. There was a guy in my science class that throw scissors at my head and said it would have been an improvement to my face. My counselor didn't do much to help and just told him to stop. Another guy knocked my slightly decent pair of glasses out the school bus window and of course nothing happened to him. All day I had people talking about my clothes or my hair and telling me how ugly I was. Eventually you began to believe them. The girl who started the bullying started calling my Medusa because on the bus ride home the wind blowing my braids made them look like snakes and of course how hideous my face was. She was relentless. Once popular among my peers now shunned by them. I hated sixth grade and I hated myself. I use to hate when my parents would say it's because they are jealous of you But unlike a lot of these kids today I didn't kill myself or her or anyone. Things took a turn for the better. The mother of one of the girl's  on my cheerleading team started doing my hair and the school went to uniforms. I stopped wearing my glasses outside of class and home and presto this ugly duckling became a swan (all over the course of one summer). So when seventh grade started everyone wanted to be my friend again. I was looked at in a different light. Well I told them where they could go I didn't need those fake jerks in my life and I didn't need to be popular. I also met and started dating the man that would become my husband. 

Roughly a year later-7th grade

Life has a funny way of working itself out. It may not be instant or when you want it to happen. It just kind of happens. Never feel like you are alone when there are so many people who have been through the same thing. Whether you are/were being molested or being bullied please tell someone. There is always someone who cares. I CARE!

Well my babies are up so to be continued...